I'm in a "suck my dick" mood tonight. That is to say, things are good.
Basically, I'm totally new to this coffeehouse syndrome that's been sweeping up my friends and acquaintances for a few years now. And besides, it was always too snooty and weird for me. It always has two types of crowds (or worse, both!): the laptop geek/snob/ artiste/goth/teenage revolutionary clique and/or the $tarbucks leather jacket/business suit zipperheads.
Well, guess what? I finally found the perfect place for reading and writing that has humans that do not piss me the fuck off so much that I want to pour their grande latte down their fucking shirtfronts. But I'm not telling where. You see me there, good for you, suck my dick. Otherwise, I'm just happy with things just the way they are.
And the total package is great: $2 for a bus down my favourite street to a nice cross-streets, a $2 something for a nice tall cup of coffee, a place to sit, listen to their music (yesterday it was the Avalanches, tonight it was Abbey Road) sip the coffee, look at passerby, photograph, read, write and (very important) piss, should the need arise (and it most definitely does), and $2 for the lovely bus back.
I don't mind the ambience, in fact, I like it. It's got this weird sound set-up that if you're up close with someone you understand them OK, but if you're sitting a few meters from someone it's like they're in a steel drum and, effectively, you don't hear what they're saying. And, hence, the music is not intrusive. There's the jet-engine coffee machine, but that's temporary, and it's a small price to pay, besides. And they're open 24/7.
So the last few days I've been finishing off Marge Piercy's He, She and It (an uncannily good sci-fi story by a woman - yes, your ears are not tricking you, women can't generally write good sci-fi; or they don't and I haven't come across anything good yet [except some Ursula DeGuin and Margaret Atwood]. Think I'm some sort of pig? Go suck my dick, I'm in no mood for gentille politesse tonight). But then again, He, She and It is not exactly sci-fi.
At any rate, the latest read was Snow Crash, by the real granddaddy of cyberpunk - Neal Stephenson (none of that Neuromancer weaksauce sci-fi for me). Stephenson had me smiling, empathizing and giving a fuck about the book in general from the very outset. A good read.
To celebrate my catching-up on my sci-fi course reading list, I've attempted a little writing exercise. Namely, writing for one hour straight, no breaks, no stops, no time to go off-track.
Now, you might say yeah, yeah, it's all been done before. Well go suck my dick and then go read the "Cliché Manifesto". Got off your high horse? Good, feed him some hay and then keep reading.
One hour, you might say, I've written two-hour in-class papers! And that is true. And your in-class papers (as are mine, for the most part - quite regardless of mark received) is BS. Two hours is not enough time for a good paper. But I can get an A. But I digress. In-class essays are basically bullshit. Well-organized bullshit at best. And you think, and you outline and think some more, despair, rejoice, get new ideas, introduction, conclusion, thesis statements fuck-me-sideways, the works. Well, none of that was present here.
So it's a stream-of-consciousness thing, then, you might say, I've written those, that's nothing special. Well, wrong, fuck-o. You haven't written a stream of consciousness that'sfor one solid hour. Because it's friggin' excruciating. But here's how it goes:
In three small notebook pages you fizzle out, good ideas, maybe a nice, little, self-contained SOC, OK, that's good. But what if you want that minus awareness? That, plus more refined perception (which is quite different from awareness). Well, my friend, you do it for an hour. The thing is, you set the timer for an hour, to count backwards, so it's easier on the nerves, and then you start writing. It's familiar in the beginning, and better to do it in a nice, ambient place anyway. And then you go for fifteen minutes and you go holy shit, I still got stuff to write about; and then you go for half an hour; and then you go wait a minute, I can write and observe, and sing to the Beatles album a little. And that's where the fun begins.
My late brother once noted that he and I have the uncanny ability to write without interruption while observing our environment, while other people mess up and/or trail off the line and/or off the page. My secret? I don't give a fuck about how my hand writing looks, and, most importantly, I can read it (while - and that's a fringe benefit - other people cannot). The annoying part is, people around you go, is that guy writing gibberish, or what, why is he not paying attention to the page just now, wait, he seems to be focusing now, what the fuck, etc. I also find that a nice slant of the notebook reduces the chance of trailing off the line almost to zero, I only did it about twice I think.
And so, I observed. Little things: people coming and going, getting their coffee; big things: crazy guy on the street, the sky getting darker, the storefronts; large things: how I'm feeling at the moment, what I'm thinking about, how I'm going to try not to make a pause, not to stop. And this is the dangerous part, because you don't want to lose momentum, you don't want to stop, so you essentially push yourself to write whatever just to get back into the groove and you do, because by that time (despite the wrist pain) you've been writing for about forty-five minutes!
Then things recur: you go in and out of focus and I found that I had this incredible high of being focused strictly on pure writing output - I was not merely writing down what I was thinking, I was writing down what I was being. And it was good. So as you can guess by now, stream-of-consciousness basics have very little to do with this exercise. SOC is the form, not the content (if so at all). And there is more control over the writing itself, than one imagines.
Now that I think of it, there is a bit of an introduction at the beginning, a gathering of impressions (notice that I don't say "thoughts") that will lay the groundwork (but by no means the basis) for other impressions and ideas that will form the bulk of the work. Similarly, there's a bit of a conclusion, as you realize time is running out, and another strong high at the end, when you just know you have to finish that fourteen seconds by writing something really conclusion-y and clever. And I did.
I cannot present this seven-page magnum opus here, because typing it up would be as difficult (and, on the other hand, as interesting) as was writing it - not the transcribing, per se, as much as the attempt to overcome the urge to correct and edit things in there. Perhaps I'll type it up one of these days.
Yeah, typing shit is difficult. I want to learn how to type properly. I had a look at the DVORAK keyboard and it's so weird that I pissed my pants in agony. Coffee houses are so typically pacific and anti-globalizational. Only anti-globalizationists, communists, and people who "experiment with their sexuality" go to coffee places. But then again, I went to coffee places in Canada too. Well not regularly. And it was to drink vodka, not coffee.What's my point? I don't know. It's time to switch from coffee house to "coffee shop", where they serve actual food, and it's basically a diner. Like in Seinfeld. See, everything has its place. Coffee houses cater to people like book-worms, revolutionaries, environmentalists, teenagers who just think the world sucks and that everyone should die, people who convert to buddhism, people who think that cigarettes should be illegal but marijuana should be available in vending machines, people who think television is evil, people who rants about saving poor starving children but never give to charity, anti-war activitists, rich people, elitists, early birds, hippies, artsies, socialists, and people who think that tribesmen in Kenya are more advanced intellectualy than anyone in the western world. That's why it's nice to visit those places once in a while but not get involved in them permanently if you don't fall into this crowd. They put something in the coffee in those places to make one a hippie-socialist. On the other end of the spectrum are bars and diners. These cater to both the average and people who like sports, drinking, going bowling, supporters of capitalism, people who discuss which kinds of people don't belong in the world, con artists, people who hate books, cheat on their taxes, wear wife-beater shirts, think that tanks and guns are cool, and like talking about cars and conventional sexual parts like pussies and boobies. As I more closely fit into the latter crowd rather than the former, I wouldn't make a coffee house a permanent relaxation spot. Instead, I'd choose to permanent myself in a bar and partake in my relaxation and reading at night. But as I don't read, I just relax and watch TV.
You doofus, I was talking about an hour of *handwriting*. Hahaha, hey how'd you know there were gay people in the coffeehouse? Vodka in the coffeehouse? That's not very stylish of you, Paul. But I guess style is not as important when you're shitfaced. ;) Nah, diners are too white-trash for me. Unless it's one of those fake 50s or 60s diner, which are actually *trying* to be white-trash; I like that, because they're being ironic. And hey, I only go to read my books. And write stuff creepily. Yes, they put brown sugar in your coffee. That makes you an instant commie buttfucker beatpoet. Hah. But not Allen Ginsberg, I guess...just some generic-variety instant commie buttfucker beatpoet. Haha, I like your conclusion, Herr Smackadick. Nice last name, too.
And not only that, get this. The brown sugar that they give you is either in these communist shaped clumps, or they come in a brown paper bag. If it was white or yellow, I might not have a problem with that. But everything eventually equilibriates to a coffee-colored world in those places. Anyway, as I'm pretty close to white trash myself, the diner and bar suite me just fine. I like white trash. Vodka in the coffee house was fun.
And as we all know, everything in clumps is viral *and* alive. And brown paper bags are good for storing and/or transporting pornography. So it's actually sexually-depraved sugar that they're giving you, trying to show your disloyalty to the Party so they can kick you out, you dig? I prefer a penis-coloured world. At any rate, I don't see the resemblance to white trash, which, by the way, according to no less than the American Heritage Dictionary is "used as a disparaging term for a poor white person or poor white people" or "used as a disparaging term for a white person or white people perceived as being lazy and ignorant." I suppose you got the "lazy" part covered and Blazej got the "ignorant" part covered and all three of us have got the "poor" angle covered, so we could now say that we're "collective white trash."
Indeed, it is correct. All I need is a baseball cap and I'll be all set. I'm poor, lazy, but sometimes I'm still ignorant. I ignore shit. In any case, they shouldn't put sugar in bags. And why is sugar not spelt shugar. Or sheuger. The s isn't supposed to make an 'sh' sound in English. I think it's the only word that does that. Oh wait.... 'sure' is another one. It would be better as sheur though. And school should be spelled skewel. What the hell is that 'h' doing in school anyway? And what's the deal with the word colonel? And the word worcestershire?
It's actually spelled "meshugah." ;) Well, the "s" doesn't make the "sh" sound, the "su" combination does, it's some stupid rule about a vowel after a consonant or something. At any rate, I'd spell "school" as "skewl," without the extra "e," to add to the irony of school not being cool at all. Yeah, the kernel pisses me off, too. And I don't try to pronounce that last one, even. But what pisses me off the most is the fact that we're talking about this shit instead of the shit regarding my writing experiment which is more important to me at this juncture than knowing about your white-trash aspirations.
Yeah, I forgot the original topic of conversation by now. But the "su" combination doesn't necessarily imply a "sh". Consider "sunny" or "sun" or "surf" or "sax" or "sex" or "serf". Anyway, I have to re-read your first message and then I'll reply to the writing thing.
Yeah, about your writing experiment, it's a little damn too abstract and "coffee house" for me. It's like those people who stare at a dot on the wall for seven hours straight and begin to realize the meaning of life and who they "really" are (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean). I hate handwriting though. I hate the pain experienced by the wrists, as you said. See, I'm more concerned with "colonel" and its radical spelling and I don't think I'd have the balls to try your experiment. Wait. I think I did try this once, but it was on computer. And I can do this again. YES! But first I must learn the dvorak keyboard and type at 56,000 words per minute and if I keep doing that non-stop, then maybe I can see the results of this. Anyway, blah.
That's why I said "some stupid rule." 'Cause I know shit about "teh grammer," so to say. ;) "Sheksh" hehe. That's how guys with all their teeth punched out speak, you know.
Ah, thanks for reviewing my experiment. Yeah, I did not really expect it to strike your fancy, but what the hell. Hah. So what happened to that typing experiment of yours? Can you e-mail it mto me if you still have it? Hah. Type at the speed of light, eh? I'm still trying to break the sound barrier with masturbation.
HAHAHAHA! I don't know what that means, but I'll stick to keyboard-light speed. I don't have the old typing experiment anymore, but first I have to install some USB drivers in windows and then I'll be able to show you my dvorak.
You're a madman. Dvorak just doesn't make any sense. And it sounds gay, like some dead European composer's name. In fact, the Dvorak keyboard disgusts me. I didn't learn the QWERTY for nothing, you know. I've been using it for what, thirteen years now? (As you have too, no doubt.) I pledge my eternal allegiance to the QWERTY. And to PalmOS Graffiti glyph system, for that matter. Death to the Dvorak layout! Long live the New Fle...I mean QWERTY keyboard! Heh, no more Videodrome for *me*. ;)
I already know QWERTY and have nothing better to do with my time than learn a new keyboard layout. Dvorak sounds very russian-communist like some sort of sub-set of Sputnik. It sounds like something the russians would invent during the cold war to beat the capitalist qwerty American folks. Dvorak does make sense; it's just that you got used to qwerty and qwerty has become a standard. I wouldn't switch to dvorak permanently. That's like switching to the MAC computer or amiga. I'm just doing it because I want to know that layout too so that I can type fast. It's a more efficient system for english. All the keys which are common in english are together. Qwerty was invented by some dude in 1880 in the old west and he purposefully made it inefficient so that people don't type fast and get the keys jammed in the typewriter or something. Dvorak is designed specifically for minimizing movement and improving speed. Try typing "minimum pumpkin" on a qwerty keyboard and see how fast you can do that. On a dvorak, you can go light speed. Here's my plan, I know the qwerty already, but for writing letters to you and Blaze, I'm gonna use the dvorak so that my typing matches the speed of my thoughts and that way, I won't lose my concentration.
Dvorak also sounds like some sort of a nickname for penis.
Well, if you have nothing better than to learn some ass-masturbation techniques, you could finish my <div> program, maybe? ;) Dvorak *is* a sub-set of Sputnik. It's the dog that was pedalling to get the thing off the ground. Unfortunately it was in that section that burns up during orbital entry. Mm. Orbital entry. So sexual. Yeah, switching to a Mac is scary. When I was studying pornomedia and and grpahic masturbation and UBS I would come home and would press the wrong shortcuts. That's wher eI got the habit of closing windows in Windoze with CTRL+W and not ALT+F4, as every red-blooded Windoze user does it. It's amazing that they even stole *that* little shortcut from the Mac! Hey, man, if I wanted to minimize movement and improve speed, I'd wear a lubricated condom on each finger...or something. Oh, you sly fuck. But let me ask you this: when the *fuck* would you have to type something like "minimum pumpkin," a phrase obviously invented to humiliate QWERTY loyalists? You're like the idiot who claims Coke rots your teeth when he put a tooth in some Coke and it dissolved after a few weeks. Lesson learnt? Don't soak in Coke for a few weeks, you fucktard! Speaking of which, I've got an insight for you, genius - your speed of typing will *never* matcht he speed of your thoughts, because the faster you will type the more thoughts you'll allow yourself to have. And besides, I want to see concrete results. Your WPM on QWERTY and your WPM on Dvorak. Concrete! And yes, it's a pretty good nickname for a penis. I prefer "Destroyer of Watermelons."
Listen, you domesticated Qwerticon. I use the phrase minimum pumpkin all the time. Why just in this fucking thread, it has already appeared twice! TWICE! That can't be a coincidence. And I bet that by the end of this reply, I'll have to write minimum pumpkin a third time. Punkface.
Well...your mom!
Kiss my face.
Well. This is certainly an unexpected turn of events.
Your penis drives bananas bananas.
HAHAHAHA hilarious! ;)
Hey, look at this. You said "your mom" and you were allowed to say that but when I said your mom mom you took it off. Wait, how did I get to this page in the first place. I think I'm in the wrong section. Bye.
i dont know why i'm here but Dvorak is totally awesome. My WPM is up past 100 now and I'm working on getting it to 150. Never could do that on QWERTY.
Good for you, me, good job. ;)
I still do not see what is wrong with QWERTY, considering I grew up with QWERTY I do not wish to relearn a new keyboard style, they can go fuck themselves.
Thank you for your time and cooperation,
please drive through
P.S - i have no idea what this site is for
This site? Oh, nothing special. Mostly, I use it to aggregate research on your mom.