if i asked the
pin stripes
on my shirt
to call you
would they run off
in radiant gradients
looking for you
in pockets of pants
if i asked my shoes
to smell out your trail
like a pair of hound dogs
running wild out of my hands
would have the entrails of
feather and thread
to you
led
or would the condition of
black underwear
left under my bed
confuse their scents
and suggest to them
to suggest to me
(in an extremely polite sense
to call you myself
instead
I... think this is quite possibly my favorite poem you've written. at the very least its most assuredly in the top 3.
i love the imagery... and the rhythm. though i think you dont need "(in an extremely polite sense" there.
in any case, i like. i like very much.
Good. I am pleased. ;)
I must note, however, that the line in question is needed, both for reasons of rhyme (scents - sense) and rhythm - in terms of balancing the last two stanzas:
x / x x / x x / x x /
x / x x / x / x /
x x / x / x x / x /
x / x x / x / /
x / x x / x /
This is, at least, how I read it. As you can see, it's, in fact, the last line (arranged on two lines visually) that is the extraneous one, and this is precisely why it works so well, making the last stanza longer, and acting as a rhythmic counterbalance; but, of course, there is no arguing in matters of taste. ;)