This poem is a reimagining of MLP's mental block (see the original post here). I have not edited this piece beyond its initial form, except for the typo in the penultimate line.
as i feel you
feeling me
my words weaving
into your veins
i feed you with my words
your blood
your brain
(other body parts
gathering together
in clumps
and in the process
of creation
unbecoming
girls
boys
big black dogs
feeding on rocks
and other junk
and us
in the sarcophagi
in our rooms
waiting for the next feeling
writing words
like eye vee drip
drops
junkies
waiting for the next high
the next fix
the next line
so that you may feel me
so that you may feel anything
as i feel you
your words weaving
into my veins
I thought I'd post how the poem turned out. :) I actually rather like this. I think it might be the most solid piece of work I've written so far.
So that you may feel me
As I feel you
My words weave
Into your veins
And drink of your heart
My voice twines about you
And knots in your mind
While my fingers
Braid with yours
To spin your thoughts
Into silken depths
I sink into
So that you may feel me
As I feel you
I sink into
The folds of your skin
Threading myself
Into the blacks of your eye
As my hands swim
The currents of your hair
And my lips seam themselves
Against yours
My name stitches itself
Into your hands
Singing in their movements
As they call my name
And I line your arm with mine
So that you may feel me
As I feel you.
First of all, I think the stanza breaks are very well done, vis-a-vis the line count and the overall shape of the piece. Breaking the poem up really improved it. (By the way, I notice that you're not too big on titles these days. Is there any specific reason for that?) At any rate, the imagery here is very nice (although "The folds of your skin" may be a bit funny). I think my favourite part is S3, where the stitching imagery is very succinct.
Anyway, on to the dissection: "My voice twines about you / And knots in your mind" conflates the identity of "knots" (since it can be both a noun and a verb). In S1L12, "into" seems a bit redundant (I appreciate its parallels with S1L4, S2L3 and S3L2, but it's a bit...abrupt, nonetheless). In S2L6, "blacks" does not quite agree with "eye"; I would simply use the non-count "black." Is the final period necessary?