This is dedicated to the idiot who wrote this little gem.
1. Thank-You Notes
People who need thank-you notes are not your friends. If you do, however, feel the burning urge to write some notes of this kind, go ahead and wrap your balls and/or ovaries in some nice cornflower blue stationery and give them to your boss, co-workers, girlfriend and friends on alternating days.
2. Sleepovers
Friends who won't let you crash for a night or two are not really your friends. What happened to long, beer-laden nights of philosophy and sleeping on a couch at your best friend's house?
3. Moving Your Shit
Friends who won't help you move aren't your friends. If you would rather sell your books than move them you are a dipshit to begin with.
4. The World is Yours
The physical world is a social construction. Be good and act in the way you want to be acted towards, or be an asshole and act the way that makes you feel happiest. Whatever you do, do not follow bullshit doctrine about physical awareness.
5. Lateness is Relative
Come to class on time; you need that information. Come to a date at least ten minutes late. Make her worry just a little; make her anticipate your arrival. Make your asshole-to-prince-charming ratio 3:1.
6. Money
Having no money sucks. Get a job. A friend who does not treat you to a meal every once in a while is not your friend.
7. Tips
20%?! You've got to be fucking kidding me. You brought me my beer after chatting with your girlfriend at the bar? No tip! You brought me my burger undercooked? No tip. You looked at me the wrong way? Back of the line! No tip for you!
8. Crazy Dreams
Having crazy dreams is what separates you from the unimaginative beasts that surround you and dare call themselves human. I dreamt that my father had bought a small, three headed dragon that lived under a coffee table. Deal with it.
9. Heels
If you're a guy, you're compensating for your height; stop doing it. If you're a girl, the higher the heels, the better (ultra-short miniskirts and slutty stockings are an essential addition).
10. Clothes
If you call your clothes "outfits" you have more than a few problems on your hands, buddy. Clothes define you (however, do pay your respects when you go to your friend's funeral by not wearing a bright-red tie).
11. Invitations
Silence means no. Response means yes. I know these are stupendous concepts, but try to keep them in mind anyway.
12. Know-How
Learn to do something you love and do it well. Ask for help when in need. Help a person if you care about him or her.
13. Friends
Are you fucking kidding me? Friendship is mutual usage. However, the usage must balance out, so no one feels at a disadvantage. Use, use, use, but end each transaction with a handshake (or a slap on the ass), not a signature.
14. War Stories
There is a way to tell story and there is a way to tell a story. Learn the latter.
15. Favours
Do favours, but never hold people in your debt (unless you want to control them; it could be useful). When people do you a favour, repay it immediately and put it out of your mind.
16. Throwing Up
Shit happens. A true friend would never hold a messed-up carpet against a friendship.
17. "Grown-Up Products"
...are for pasty-ass-Swedish-wood-furniture-consuming Fight Club wannabes (sorry, Mite). Get shit that does not break. Get shit that works.
18. Noise
If you want to skullfuck and then gently dismember a hooker with a chainsaw in your basement, be considerate and get soundproof padding for the walls. However, if your neighbour plays the stereo too loud at 3 A.M. on a Sunday night, call the cops.
19. Care
You cannot solve all your problems unless you are Buddha. Are you Buddha? Seek help when you need it.
20. Rudeness
People who think in black-and-while absolutes should be hung by the neck until dead. I, on the other hand, side with Mr. Mamet and the dear, late Mr. Carlin on this one: "fuck" can be erotic, insulting, offensive, emphatic, even rude, but no one word can be simply "bad" or "wrong." The prescriptivists within us should go suck a lemon.
I very much agree with the person who wrote the following comment (which seems to have already been deleted):
I don't like this post. Pretending to be someone you're not is not ok, and should certainly not be a mandatory rule of existence after any age. People make choices of how to behave and should be free to do so. Whether you socialize with them or not is your choice.Dixi.This post looks like someone hoping he can enforce his own etiquette upon everyone else so that he can be more comfortable with his choice of lifestyle.
Fucking true.
Paulx! You're still around, eh?
Good shit, man! Good shit! That guy's a stupid asshole. He doesn't know how cool some people can be in their own ways. I mean, look at me.
I am amused. The person who wrote that initial one was insecure and probably couldn't live up to his own standards. I do not support that garbage. Your responses are great! AHAHAHAHAHA! Outfits!
I would like to also add that I do people favors so that they owe me and I have the upper hand with respect to guilt. I like making people feel guilty and in debt to me because I find friends much better this way. Owing something to someone is something I try to avoid.
Blazej: I now seriously think that that dick is a chick; it really explains a lot.
Paul: I'm with you 100%, buddy. ;)